The Tears of an Assassin
by katerinaaqu
Summary: Revolution has ended...and now what is he supposed to do? Will he let go of his sword? Or not? My explanation how Hitokiri Battousai became a Wanderer. Set after Rurouni Kenshin Trust and Betrayal and before the main series. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

"Aaargh!"

A red-haired man let out another cry and his long sword clanged with his opponent's sword. He twisted around himself and then the sword he was holding cut through his opponent, cutting flesh, bone and muscle like butter. Red, hot blood flowed out of the wound like a fountain and the man fell to the ground letting his last breath out. The red-haired assassin's muscles relaxed and he looked down at his dead opponent. His eyes were showing no emotion outside, but inside them there was a deep sadness. The day was a warm, spring day. No cloud was marking the pure, blue sky and the leaves of the trees above his head were granting sweet shadow that was cool and soft like crystal-clear water while the rays of the sun that were passing through the leaves were touching the skin like warm kisses of a mother or a sweet lover… What a strange day to die…or kill… He touched his cross-shaped scar on his left cheek.

"Himura!" he heard someone calling him.

He turned around.

"What is it?"

The man stopped right in front of him and bowed his head in respect in the Japanese way of greeting.

"The Revolution has ended!" he told him

"What?"

"Yes. I heard information from above. Finally the New Era will begin!"

"The New Era, huh…?" the man named Himura mumbled

He looked at the sky and saw the sunlight playing among the leaves and the white cherry flowers…sparkling like water of a lake in the sunlight of noon. So the time had finally come, huh…? The time to fulfill his promise…

* * *

At night, everyone had gathered in the same room to have dinner and celebrate. They were sitting on their knees on their mats and had their plates in front of them. The maids served all the more food and they were pouring warm sake for everyone.

"A toast! To the New Era!" the man at the head said raising his small sake-cup

"To the New Era!" the others repeated and drank.

The red-haired man was sitting among them too. He looked at the liquor inside his small glass and drank again in one sip. The burning drink went down his throat. He hadn't touched his food yet. He had many thoughts spinning in his mind. The New Era had begun but in order to be created, it had to be born from blood. He knew that very well! Since he was a child he had chosen this path. He was an excellent swordsman but now he regretted that, and the reason was quite simple. He was an assassin. A "Hitokiri". He had used his skills in order to do good for the public but he had to kill some people…many times… He had got a name… Everyone had heard of Himura Battousai, the Hitokiri Battousai or Battousai the Manslayer. He was well known for his skills and how great assassin he was. For years he was killing without get the slightest scratch…without getting a single drop of blood on his clothes. But still he was…only a human. Just Himura Kenshin.

"Himura…" he heard a soft voice.

He turned his head and smiled a sad smile.

"Katsura-san" he said to the friendly man

"You seemed depressed. What is it? You should be happy. A New, peaceful Era has begun…and you were one of those who helped in order to be created"

Kenshin sighed and drank some more sake with one sip. He realized that he had lost counting how much he had drunk.

"I was just lost in my thoughts. I am happy that the New Era has begun but…" he looked at his new drink, "…but I must think what lies to the future for us. What should we do from now on…"

"Hmm…you're right"

He saw Kenshin drinking once more.

"Hay! Be careful with the drink. You haven't eaten anything…"

He then took a piece of fish with his hashi and raised it to his mouth. He chewed and swallowed.

"You know, Himura, you're an excellent swordsman. You should become a bodyguard during the New Era. You shouldn't leave it."

Kenshin's eyes snapped open cause an image flashed in his mind.

The sword cutting through flesh… Blood… Death…

"I am sorry but I decline" he said

"But why?"

"I was a hitokiri, but now my services are no longer needed. If I use my sword for this purpose…then I might kill someone, even by instinct and I have made a promise…that when the New Era would begin…I would never take someone's life again… Ever…"

He drank again and stood up.

"Please excuse me…" he bowed his head and headed to the door.

"Goodbye, Katsura-san…"

And with those words he dragged the door open and went out in the night…

* * *

He was walking in the big city of Kyoto. People were walking around talking and laughing. However he was remembering something else… This was the alley where he had killed that young man…and that over there was where he had run and then jumped over dead bodies…and then killed nine men…and there…and there… The peaceful and happy atmosphere meant nothing to him now…in his soul he knew he couldn't be peaceful. He remembered…this alley…this was the worst of all… Here it was where he had killed that man…Yukishiro Tomoe's…fiancée… He was feeling his face rather hot by the alcohol he had consumed and he was fighting to hold his tears back. Tomoe… He still remembered that rainy night. "You made it happen…the bloody rain to fall…" she had whispered to him. She had seen him but yet he couldn't bring himself to kill her. He walked another block. His slightly cloudy mind was running back to those days he had spent with her. He loved her…but she hated him deep inside. He stopped at a small tavern. He remembered that place. He had been there with Tomoe once… That day…she had asked him to show her how he killed. He entered the tavern and many people looked at him but some others didn't bother or simply didn't notice him. He sat to an isolated table. A young woman came to take his order. He smiled a kind of fake smile to her.

"Sake please" he said politely

"Yes!" the waitress bowed her head in respect and left.

When he was left alone, he let out a long sigh. The tavern smelled like smoke by the several pipes around. He wasn't looking anywhere particularly. It was as if he was absent. The waitress came back with a small bottle of warm sake and its small glass. She placed them on the table carefully.

"Do you need anything else, sir?"

"No, thank you" he replied politely and poured some sake to himself.

He raised it to his lips and drank it in one sip. The burning alcoholic drink slipped down his throat soothingly. His ears caught some conversations around. Some women of the tavern were whispering to each other

"Have you seen him?"

"Who is he?"

"Look, he has swords…"

"…In the New Era…"

"I am kind of nervous…"

Kenshin drank once more and asked for another bottle. This was the truth. Till yesterday he was a Hitokiri. Till yesterday, seeing someone with sword was as common as seeing the cheery-trees blooming and now…they were afraid of the sight… They were getting angry at it… His new drink came and he poured some more sake for himself. However it was extremely bitter to him tonight! But he wasn't drinking because he liked it! He needed it tonight! Tonight a bottle or two didn't seem enough for him. He just needed it. Perhaps it would help him drown himself. Drown the memories…drown the pain. He asked from the waitress to bring him another bottle for later. She did bring it to him but now she was rather nervous and she was looking at his swords constantly. He understood. She was afraid…what a drunken man with swords could do! Kenshin thanked her politely just to make her feel better. He sat there, paying no mind to the conversations around him…to the environment and he continued drinking alone. He was always alone in the first place…from the very beginning…alone…

"To…mo…e…" he whispered to himself.

She was the only person that gave light to his loneliness…the only one besides those three women when he was a child. The only woman that gave him true peace and happiness. And the bitter irony was that he was the one who actually gave her loneliness…the one who took her happiness away and he didn't even know it! He looked at his drink for a second. Sake tasted bitter to him tonight.

"_One day…we will enjoy it together…"_ his master had said.

"I forgot to add daikon to the food… Without it the food tastes flat…"

He drank again in one sip as more memories filled his head.

"…_Without it…the food tastes flat…"_

_"Tomoe…I will…I will…protect you…"_

And then that snowy day…their bodies touching each other near the fire for the first time… Flesh on the flesh…soul on the soul…

_"Tomoe…I will…protect you…"_

And then…that day…the snow was red…red by blood… His heart was broken…and it was beating painfully… And his sword…and the sound of flesh being cut…and the well-known smell of blood…

_"TOMOE!"_

He clenched his teeth. It was he! He killed her…if she hadn't protected him… If only! He chugged down another drink. His mind was cloudy…his sight was blur…from tears… He covered his eyes with his hand and let his tears flow… He couldn't hold them back anymore! He loved her…he loved her more than anything! But she was gone now…and the scar on his cheek…that cross-shaped scar that was so famous…in reality it was the thing that would always remind him his past…his sins and sadness…the couple he killed with his own hands…and also…his promise. He had promised over her dead body…he had promised to her also, to find a way to protect people without taking another life…ever! But what was he supposed to do? Would he let go of his sword? Or not? In Revolution his sword was part of his arm. It was part of him! But how would he protect others without killing? How would he keep his promise? His head was spinning by all the thoughts and the alcohol. He had even lost counting of how much he had drunk. He now realized that he had been crying and whipped his eyes. He looked at the empty bottles on the table. His head was spinning and his stomach was nauseating. Sake had affected him rather quickly tonight! His foggy mind remembered that he hadn't eaten a bite that night and that was the reason. But he simply couldn't eat tonight. It was as if a metal hand was clenching his stomach and it wouldn't let him eat. He needed the drink to make him forget. Something didn't seem right though. Not only wasn't he feeling better, but he was also feeling more depressed than before. He decided that it was time for him to leave. He stood up but his legs were wobbling and the ground seemed to be moving under his feet. He left some money on the table and staggering slightly he exited the tavern. He was in the street again. The night was clean and warm. That day it was raining…and the other…it was snowing…

_"Will we go…to Otsu?"_

He was staggering and his swords were making a slight noise…

"Tomoe…" he whispered

_"Will we go…to Otsu?"_

The cherry blossom petals were falling around him softly like light snowflakes…

"To…mo…e…" he mumbled again

That day…he was also staggering in the snow… It was snowing again…? How? And why?

"To…mo… To…mo…e…"

_"Will we go…to Otsu?"_

_"Tomoe…I will…protect you…"_

"_Will we go…to Otsu?"_

Tonight…sake tasted bitter to him…but he simply needed it! He needed the flame liquid down his throat…

"To…mo…e…" he repeated like hypnotized.

His tongue was heavy and confused because of the alcohol he had consumed. It appeared he couldn't utter anything else but her name. His stomach was in bad condition and his head kept spinning. He staggered a bit more in those deserted alleys of Kyoto. Then he turned around the block and threw up next to a wall… He remained there after a little, panting heavily. He then whipped his mouth and looked up to see…Tomoe! He blinked a couple of times to make sure but no! It was her…she was standing there, holding a jar with flowers…cherry blossoms falling around her soothingly.

"To…mo…e…" he whispered.

He tried to walk to her but his legs, for the first time, betrayed him, he missed a step and fell to the ground with the face. He raised his dizzy head to look up. He stretched out a hand to her desperately. And she was standing there…beautiful…

"To…mo…e…" and then he was swallowed by darkness…

* * *

**Here it is my first chapter of my two-shot fanfic about Himura Kenshin! Set after Rurouni Kenshin Trust and Betrayal and before the main series!**

**Apparently Revolution has ended but Kenshin is really depressed because of his loved one's death and now he is seeking desperately to forget in his drink! Also the doubts of what should he do and how will he keep his promise are torturing him too!**

**Next and last chapter following soon! Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

_"There will be a new world where a man will live in peace…"_

"_Will we go…to Otsu?"_

"_My bloody hands…and sword…will assure its creation…"_

"_Tomoe…I will…protect you…"_

"_The wife of a druggist doesn't need to be armed"_

"_I will…"_

"_Will we go…to Otsu?"_

_"I will…kill!"_

Soft daylight caressed his face. Only the sounds of the calm day were reaching his ears. His eyelids flattered a little and barely opened. He winced by the sharp pain in his scull. What had happened to him? Where was Tomoe? When the last remaining of alcohol started leaving his system, he realized the answers to those questions. Tomoe was dead years now and he had been drinking a lot the night before. He had been drinking a lot even though deep inside him he knew that the answer didn't lie in the bottom of those bottles… Then he realized that it wasn't as bad as he thought. Sure, his head was throbbing painfully and it felt as if made of iron but still…he wasn't lieing down on some tavern table or with the face on the ground in the dirt or in his own vomit. He was lieing on his back, quite comfortably, in a clean mattress and his head was on a really comfortable pillow. His eyes opened, despite the unbearable headache, and he saw that he was in a spacious room, The light was entering by a window nearby, from above, on the other side of the room.

"I see you're finally awake…" he heard a soft, kind voice.

He turned his head a little to see a small-sized, old lady looking at him with a kind smile on her face. Her gray hair was up in a simple bun.

"Where am I?" Kenshin mumbled in a hoarse voice by the alcohol-sleep

"In my house" the woman replied smiling, "I am grandma-Kazuko"

"How did I…end up here?" Kenshin questioned again.

He was feeling his throat sore and dry. The woman smiled again.

"You collapsed fainted out of my door last night"

Kenshin looked away embarrassed.

"I am sorry…" he mumbled

"It's okay, young man. It was a pleasure to offer you a better place to sleep…" she said politely. "You were talking in your sleep…you were calling some Tomoe…"

Kenshin's lips clenched for a brief second.

"Who is she…?"

Kenshin looked away and let out a small sigh.

"My wife…" he finally whispered

"Oh, I see… May I ask what happened?"

Kenshin clenched his teeth.

"She died…long ago…"

"Oh, I see, I see…I'm sorry to hear…"

Kenshin bit his lip. He had felt this feeling…of losing someone important but…he was causing the same feeling to others for so long. He was feeling that he didn't deserve this woman's kind treatment or hospitality. He tried to sit up but winced in pain at the feeling of the rocks inside his scull. The woman touched him softly.

"There, there…easy young man…you had a bit too much sake to drink last night, ne?"

Kenshin winced a little and then felt something to his lips. A wooden cup. The woman poured some warm tea in his throat. He wasn't really a tea drinker but his throat was so sore and dry that he drank greedily. He swallowed one or two sips and then grandma-Kazuko placed him back on the mattress. He coughed a little. He was feeling bad… He was a killer! If she knew that…she wouldn't be treating him this way! He was a hypocrite to her, taking advantage of her kindness! She had to know!

"M…Mss…" he mumbled

"Kazuko is just fine young man!" she said with a smile

"Kazuko…san…" he whispered.

"That's better!" the nice, old lady smiled.

"Kazuko-san…I…I am…" he bit his tongue, "…I am a Hitokiri…"

He was ready to face his punishment. The lady to kick him out of her house with the worst insults and curses. But instead…she looked at him.

"You are saying it with deep sadness and regret, young man…it appears that you want to make it up for everyone you've hurt…" she said softly.

Kenshin gasped a little. He hadn't expected this!

"I…I…" he had lost his words.

He was prepared to face hatred and fear…and anger. This had caught him completely off-guard! He didn't know what to say now! She helped him a little.

"What's your name, young man?"

The ex-Hitokiri was still shocked by her hospitality.

"Ke…Kenshin…" he finally said

"Kenshin sounds great name, young man!" she smiled, "May I call you that?"

Kenshin just nodded soullessly. He didn't deserve her kindness…he still felt this way and he couldn't get it out of his mind.

"Well, Kenshin, my son…you should get ready. I have breakfast almost ready. Get up slowly and I will warm you some water up so you can take a nice bath. It will help you relax and feel better."

That was too much!

"No…I…I couldn't…"

"Did you really think that I would let you have breakfast with me if you smell dirt and vomit? And of course I could never leave you with empty stomach after allowing you to sleep in my house! Now pull it together and go and clean yourself!"

Kenshin smiled a little. That was true weather he liked it or not.

"Thank you…" he simply whispered.

She bowed her head with a warm-hearted smile and left him alone.

* * *

He entered the room where the wooden bathtub was and saw the bathtub full with steamy water. For some reason he was feeling extremely dirty. He removed his dirty and by the way torn clothes and entered the wooden tub. He let out a sigh when he felt the hot water on his body and he was feeling his headache better already! He poured water over his head and then he saw his reflection on the water's surface. He remained there looking at it, completely ignoring the water drops that were traveling on his face or dripping from his long, red hair. He remained there…simply looking…

"That's who I am…" he thought, "No matter how much I wash myself…no matter what I do…the blood of all those people will remain on me! Oh, Tomoe!…What should I do…?"

A small knock on the door made him gasp.

"Are you done, son?" he heard Kazuko's voice from the other side

"Yes…I am" he replied.

She entered having her head bowed so she wouldn't see him naked.

"I brought you some robes to change for a little…I'll put them here…"

She said and placed the robes before leaving, still having her head lowered. Kenshin let out another long sight and got out of the tub. He walked to the robes and slipped in them. The white robes were comfortable and fitted his well-built body perfectly! Those robes were made for a man! This didn't make any sense since the kind, old lady was alone in her house! What had happened to the man who was supposed to wear those robes? He wanted to know, no, he needed to know but he couldn't start practically interrogating the kind woman who picked him up from the street. He sighed and got out heading towards the main house, following the slight smell of breakfast.

* * *

He found her serving breakfast. She had some vegetables and cold rice. It was a simple yet really welcome meal.

"Ah, you're here. Was the robe good enough?"

"Yes, thank you" Kenshin replied

She smiled

"Thank goodness! Come! Breakfast is ready and tea is almost done"

"Thank you really much…" he bowed his head.

He hesitated a little but finally said it

"Kazuko-san do you…live alone here?"

"Yes…" she replied but then she said, "Oh!" as if seeing the white robe for the first time. "I live here with my son…"

"Son?"

"Yes…but now he is not here. He has gone to Hagi for some time for work"

"Work?"

"Yes…he is making swords. He will be back soon I hope…"

"I see…" Kenshin looked away for a second when she mentioned swords.

The old-Kazuko went to the tea, which was boiling on the fire, to check on it. She was murmuring some song.

"Kazuko-san…I wanted to confess that…I don't have enough money to pay you for your hospitality and…I think I have no money left… Probably someone robbed me last night while I was drunk on the ground…I am sorry"

"Silly boy…" she said softly with a smile, "I do not wish for your money. It was a pleasure to me to have you here as company…I was so lonely here… Ah, just on time! The tea is ready! Come on, son. Sit. Don't be shy!"

"Thank you…"

Kenshin sat on his knees right opposite her. Both did the usual bow to say thanks for the food and they started. Kenshin raised the bowl with the rice and started to eat. For the first time he realized how hungry he was! Kazuko poured tea for both of them and they drank.

"Kazuko-san…" Kenshin spoke

"What is it?"

"I don't understand…why…I mean, you got an assassin into your house…you offered him a place to sleep…you treated him like an old friend…you let him borrow the clothes of your own child…and you're sharing your food with him… Why?"

"You silly boy…" she said smiling, "When I found you fainted at my door, you weren't an assassin nor anyone else. You were simply a man that needed my help…just another human being… That's why. We're both humans. You would have done the same thing…"

"Both…humans, huh…?" he repeated in a low voice.

His lips curled up in something like the illusion of a sad smile. He seemed to have got lost in his thoughts.

"What is it?" she asked him

"Oh, nothing… Here…" he poured her some more tea

She drank again and looked at him.

"Now what are you going to do?" she asked him as if she red his thoughts.

He lowered his empty bowl of rice…and now he realized that it was his second one…

"I don't know…I was a swordsman so I guess that my sword was part of me, however now it is no longer needed…"

"So are you planning to let go of your sword?"

"I don't know. But I made a promise that I would find a way to protect people…without taking another life"

"I see…so you are seeking a way to make up for every life you have taken…if possible using your sword…"

Kenshin's face lit up.

"Yes!" he said, "But how is that…possible…?"

"Oh, I have the way… Wait here…"

The old lady stood up and went to a drawer. She opened it and took out…a sword in its seethe. She took it to him and gave it to him.

"Here you go…"

Kenshin held it with both hands…feeling its weight. The balance seemed perfect!

"A sword?" he questioned

"Look more carefully my son…"

Kenshin drew the sword out of the seethe slowly and carefully as if being careful not to scratch it. The sunlight ran on its brand new blade…that had its sharp part…towards the inside! Kenshin looked at it.

"It is strange…this sword has its blade on the inside!"

She nodded.

"This is the Reverse Blade sword. My son made it and told me he was planning to give it to a swordsman that was worthy"

"No…I could never…"

"Take it… It will accompany you to your journey to find yourself again…"

Kenshin stroke the blade with his fingers tenderly…as if it was some delicate woman.

"This is your new sword…"

"My…new…sword…"

"That's right. From now on you are no longer a Manslayer but a Wanderer! You made this choice."

Kenshin looked at her, touched deeply!

"Granny…" he whispered in a slightly shaking voice.

Kazuko smiled again and patted his head softly.

"Come on, young man. You need new clothes now. Yours were torn anyway… You'll leave your past behind…change everything!"

Kenshin seethed the sword again. He couldn't say or do anything! He nodded.

* * *

He was alone in the room again. He looked at the mattress where Kazuko had left some new clothes for him. The upper robe was in a soft pink color with pants at white color and brown shocks. He removed the white robes and let them fall on the floor. He then slipped in his new clothes. The material was soft and comfortable. When he was fully dressed he looked his reflection on a flower jar. He had never worn such color before… He liked it… Kazuko entered the room and smiled to him

"Beautiful…" she said, "This is the new you now!"

"The new…me…?" he mumbled and looked at his reflection again.

Then he thought something else. He removed the leather string that was holding his long hair up in a high ponytail, and his hair fell to his shoulders like a waterfall of melted fire… He combed it a little with his fingers and then he held it, bounding it with the string again but this time at a low ponytail at the base of his neck. Once he was done, he looked himself in the flower jar. He looked a lot different now… But he knew no matter what he did he would never change…who he really was…

"Is that…really me?" he questioned

"Yes! That's right! The new you! But there is something that is going to change you for sure!"

Kenshin looked at her.

"What is that?"

She smiled up at him.

"A smile!"

"A smile?"

"That's right! A smile always lifts the pain away and changes us to the best! Come on! Let me see your smile!"

She was so kind…so happy that Kenshin couldn't help himself… His lips cracked a small smile! His first real smile for years! The old lady seemed enthusiastic!

"That's it! Smile! Laugh! You're still young and handsome! Let me see your smiley face!"

Her enthusiasm seemed magic! His smile became slightly bigger and then…a small chuckle left his lips! It was the first time he laughed since he was a child! And then he did…he felt…wonderfully! It was as if a great burden left his shoulders! How couldn't he not to do that earlier?! Why did he spend the previous night drinking when…this single laughter…

His smile became even bigger and suddenly he burst out laughing! He didn't know how…he didn't know why or what he was laughing at… He just knew that he was finally feeling better! His laughter was loud…and real for the first time! It was like music to his ears! He felt his eyes starting to water from all the laughter but he didn't care! He didn't care if he would be called crazy or anything! He was feeling alive again! When he finally stopped he was totally out of breath. He whipped his tears away and looked at the kind lady panting.

"Now you are bright new!" she told him

His heart was beating loudly. He didn't know if he could ever thank her enough!

"Granny…" he mumbled gratefully…

He then, throwing every self-control or courtesy in thin air, grabbed her in the warmest hug he had even given to a person before!

"Thank you! Thank you so much! Oh, thank you!" he was saying loudly, hugging her tightly…

He was full of gratefulness! She patted his back

"It was my pleasure, young man…"

She escorted him to the door and he put on the sandals she gave him. At his girdle he had his precious new sword she gave him.

"Now what are you thinking to do?"

"I don't know but I'll probably keep wandering till I repay for all the lives that I took, that I will!" he said determined.

"And what will you do with your old swords?"

"You can keep them! Do them whatever you want! Give them to your son if you want to do them whatever he pleases! I don't need them anymore!" he said

She smiled to him.

"Very well then!"

And playfully smacked him on the head.

"Oro?" he exclaimed…and he liked the sound of it…

She handed a small piece of paper to him.

"Here is my son's name and his address in Kyoto just in case you need him to repair your sword."

He took it.

"Thank you…" he bowed deeply, "…so much!"

* * *

Later on…he was walking in the open countryside, stopping at wheels and asking from kind women to give him some water…asking for a bowl of rice once in a while… And he never forgot…to smile… It was his only medicine… He knew that his past wouldn't be erased but at least he could do something…to repay for everything he had done… And he kept wandering… He didn't have a home anymore…or land…or property…and he was free…like the birds…

This was the new him…

Kenshin…the Wanderer… Rurouni Kenshin…

* * *

**Second and last part of this fanfic! Thank you for reading!**

**Well...here is my explanation how the cold-hearted assassin transformed into a funny, sweet and slightly immature clumsy boy! He wanted to change in order to erase his crimes and try to feel better!**

**Yes Kazuko is the mother of the man that made the Reverse Blade Sword (I think his name was Seiku Arai)**

**I hope you liked it and it didn't make you feel bored!**

**Please review!**


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